11 Questions to Jumpstart a MealTrain

As someone who's often on the receiving end of other people's generosity, nothing makes me happier than to be able to be return the favor.

Nine times out of 10, I'm going to do it by cooking.

I like to pack my old-timey picnic basket (regardless of the season) with goodies for new neighbors. When friends or family come to visit, I typically go pretty overboard planning out daily menus. Shoot, I even kinda love cooking on my birthday. Thanks for indulging me on my 37th, Dows and Arturis!

So when a friend has a new baby, or when an acquaintance is having a rough time medically, I'm gonna bring you a meal. It's best to just give in.

That's why setting up MealTrains is among my favorite things to do. Cuz if I can't make all the meals, I want to make sure the meals are coming!

MealTrain makes this so easy. 

(I'm sure there are other such services out there. I'm partial to MealTrain because it functions so well that I've never needed to search for an alternative.)

MealTrain, in case you're unfamiliar, is an online platform that enables you to create a group-edited meal calendar and schedule for someone in need of meals - for several months, or in some cases longer. Here's a screen grab of a sample page:

When you start a MealTrain, you're building a webpage, more or less, but it's not at all intimidating. It's really just a fill-in-the-blank process. All you really need to know: How can I best meet my friend or family member's needs?

There's only one answer. Ask. 

Once my friends green-light the idea, I jumpstart the process by sending them 11 questions. With these answers, I can set up a MealTrain in the same amount of time it takes me to half-watch an episode of The Americans. 

Here are 11 Questions to Jumpstart a MealTrain: 

• What date would you like the MealTrain to start, and when would you like it to end?
• What days of the week would be best for you to receive meals (M, Th, Su)?
• How many people will your friends be cooking for (2 adults, 2 kids)?
• What is your ideal food delivery timeframe (5 to 6 p.m.)?
• How would you like to arrange day-of delivery specifics (via text, via email)?
• Do you have any food allergies or restrictions?
• What are your food preferences (Italian, Thai, comfort food)?
• What are your favorite local restaurants for takeout?
• Would you like to provide a brief message to your family and friends?
• Can you provide email addresses for those whom you'd like to receive the invite?
• Can you text or email me a photo that I can use on the MealTrain page?

Just copy and paste this into an email to your friend. If this seems too impersonal to you, or if it feels like you're pushing a bunch of work into your friend's lap, perhaps you're right.  

But, I think - and hope I'm not off base - it's actually going to be more-than-OK by your friend. He or she probably needs meals but isn't going to ask for them. As the organizer, you're simply helping to facilitate a schedule, and you're giving your friend the opportunity to shape it in a way that works for them.

In my experience, MealTrain schedules fill up fast. That's because when you want to love on someone, food is an act of service that almost everyone can get behind.

PS: You cannot go wrong when bringing these items (Not all of them at once, of course. Although I have received this volume before #peopleareamazing):

• Banana bread
• Rotisserie chicken
• Caesar salad
• French bread
• Soup
• Cookies
• Bottle of vino
• And for the win... Your family's weeknight favorite, cooked with love xo

Sister Time

We watch a lot of Disney Junior's Elena of Avalor at our house, and there is an episode that we have watched no less than 25 times: Model Sister.

The rallying cry of the episode is a song called "Sister Time." Here's the vid. Warning: It's extremely catchy. ("But Elena!!")

My girls really relate to the episode's theme: Sisters come first and are always top priority. Disney is really on a roll with this sister stuff...

Elsa was our first-born. (Two years before that other Elsa...) So when our daughters Cecilia and Lola (both typically developing) followed in short order, we hoped and prayed that they would have a deep, protective and nurturing love for Elsa. It's a prayer that God answered without delay. From day one, they have been in Elsa's corner.

Where Elsa goes, they follow. Not begrudgingly, not dutifully, but with happiness and joy. 

That's why it's so apt that the receptionist at the front desk of Marianjoy Rehabilitation Hospital (our present therapy center) has given Cecilia and Lola the nicknames Happy and Joy. Most days, the names fit.

Cecilia and Lola LOVE going to Marianjoy. I thought they might despise the grind of traveling there twice a week, and waiting around for Elsa to complete her sessions. But the reality has been entirely the opposite. (Note: I have nothing to do with fashion choices you are about to observe.)

Here's are 5 reasons why the girls love it: 

• The facility is connected by a labyrinth of passageways. Twice a week, Cecilia and Lola can be found skipping through the corridors, singing songs and listening to the echo of their voices. 
• At check-in, there is a waterfall feature with smooth gray stones in the basin below. They love to touch the water wall and are always trying to steal stones (so that's a small problem).
• Jello. The Marianjoy cafeteria has jello in spades. Every time we go, there is a new flavor, topped with whipped cream. I split a jello cup between the two of them, and then we just sit and chat about what we see.
• Because Marianjoy is a rehab hospital, there are fun sensors that open doors with just a wave of the hand. Cecilia paves our way throughout the facility by waving the magic doors open for us.
• Probably most of all: They get mom's attention - divided not by 3, but by 2. It's not one-on-one time, but it does mean extra hugs, coloring practice and sticker book fun. 

Here are 5 reasons why I'm a fan of Marianjoy sister time:

• As much as Cecilia and Lola love getting my attention, I love giving it.
• They bring SO much joy to the rehab patients, who light up when they see their carefree little faces.
• Again, jello - for the simple pleasure it gives my children, and for the 20 minutes of peace it affords me!
• Elsa is the focus of our trips. Whenever we visit, they are absorbing and accepting that their sister's needs are a high priority for our family, and that Elsa's thriving requires our time and dilligence.
• Probably most of all: Marianjoy helps people off all ages, races and ethnicities. There are children who have lost limbs. Adults with special needs whose words are hard to understand. Elderly folks in motorized wheelchairs and on gurneys. No one looks the same, or acts the same. Everyone is on their own journey, hopefully to improved health and function.

Out in the real world, facilities aren't overwhelmingly accommodating. People with physical needs don't blend in. But it's wonderful to have a place that gives our family such support, and gives Cecilia and Lola a special, private world in which they can explore and learn enormous life lessons.

Kidlit Spotlight: Just Because

Close friends and dear family members have begun asking me how to best talk to their toddlers and young children about my daughter Elsa. These lovely people want to make sure that they're telling their sons and daughters things that align with how my husband and I wish Elsa to be known and understood.

I'm so blessed to have these wonderful people in my life.

The trouble is, I'm not exactly sure yet. My next-oldest daughter, Cecilia, is 3-and-a-half, and we haven't crossed that bridge. I'm not exactly sure when that will happen because Elsa's abilities and challenges have been a part of Cecilia's life since the day she was born. And so far it seems she doesn't have any pressing questions that need answering. 

But in the meantime, how can I help these thoughtful parents deal with questions that their kids have now? 

There are some fantastic picture books out there that help children understand the sometimes substantial differences between themselves and others. No children's picture book aligns precisely with Elsa's special needs. That would be a tall order.

But I recently came across a book that comes pretty darn close: Just Because. 

Why doesn't Elsa talk? Why doesn't she walk? Because that's just how God made her. And honestly, "just because" is the only answer that makes sense to me, too, and I'm old enough to understand spontaneous chromosome deletions. 

So with great pleasure, I present myfirst Kidlit Spotlight: Just Because by Rebecca Elliott.

Just Because is a story about a boy named Toby and his sister Clemmie.

Clemmie is Toby's big sister. She can't walk or talk. But in Toby's eyes, she is amazing. In fact, she's a lot like a princess. (She doesn't "have to do much," and get's to "sit and look pretty.") Clemmie is never mean. She makes sweet sounds and funny faces. She has an awesome wheelchair and big curly hair. Most of all, Clemmie lets Toby be himself, without question or critique. She is his best friend, and he loves her. Just because.

It's so, so very sweet and (for a momma) a real tear jerker! I related to it in every way. Elsa is a best friend to everyone who lives under our roof. We wouldn't have the first idea how to exist without her. We don't define or understand her based on how she compares to us. We let her be her, and appreciate her subtleties and uniqueness.

In the end, isn't that how we all wish to be viewed and understood?

Speaking PODD: 9 Things to Know

You've probably seen iPad-type devices that give voice to non-verbal kids and adults. These "talkers" work very well... if you are able to scan a grid of options, mentally isolate what you want, and then touch your selection. 

It gets tricky, though, if scanning, choice and touch are challenging for you. My 5-year-old Elsa falls into this camp. Her receptive vocabulary is astonishing. Truly. She can correctly identify family members in pictures. She knows her farm animals. She can select common household objects on request (in a field of two or three). But her expressive vocabulary doesn't match up. Meaning, she can't verbalize what she knows. Awfully frustrating for mom and dad. And most certainly, for Elsa.

Until Elsa's "method of access" solidifies (how she can best makes choices), how do we keep up with her ever-expanding vocabulary and help her communicate? The answer is PODD: A fabulous and (truthfully) kind of cumbersome and time-intensive method of communication. But it's worth the work.

Here are 9 things to know about PODD:

What is PODD? PODD stands for Pragmatic Organization Dynamic Display. It's a system that helps you facilitate conversation through dynamic one-on-one interaction.

How do you use it? To use PODD, the child (or person in-need of communications assistance) must be sitting with someone who can model and flip through a book of themed vocabulary sections, and also interpret the selections that the child makes. You can't just hand a child a PODD book and walk away. It is highly interactive. (For this reason, Elsa LOVES PODD time!)

What does PODD look like: I think of PODD as giant "choose your own adventure"-style flip books. Through our wonderful friends at Easter Seals, we have obtained two PODD books: A single-page one (small), and an expanded one with nine options on each page (bigger). Elsa speaks to us through the single-page PODD, and we model speech with the expanded PODD. Here are pics of our small and large PODD books.

How does it work? We start at the beginning of the book and say each option aloud. When Elsa hears or sees what she wants, she indicates "Yes," and we flip to the page that corresponds with her choice. When she doesn't want it, she indicates "No." Through yes-or-no answers, we navigate to what she wants to say.

What constitutes a choice? Elsa's choice making can be subtle. To indicate "Yes," she will either a) touch the page, b) lean toward it, or c) stare at it intently. For "No" she will a) shake her head, or b) look completely away from what's being presented. Elsa's response times are pretty slow, by traditional measures. And both books are vast and full of options. So it takes a lot of patience and focus on Elsa's part, and on Mom and Dad's, to get to what she desires. Sometimes she's really engaged. Other times, she's not in the mood. So it can be a little hit and miss. Here's PODD in action. I would say is indicative of a fairly successful conversation. (Her little sister Lola loves to help.) 

How does Elsa let us know she has something to say? Elsa activates the PODD experience by vocalizing (which is either an "ahh" or "uhh" sound, or a yell or cry if something is wrong). Or she can jump-start things by gesturing toward a small button we clip onto her shirt, which is programmed to say "I have something to say." Confession: I am very bad about remembering to put the clip on her shirt, except on school days.

Anitra, how often do you use PODD books day-to-day? Oh, gosh. I try. I really do. But it can be hit or miss. At home, our PODD books are always handy. And both books travel to school with Elsa, and to therapy sessions. But when we leave the house to go to dinner, a social gathering or to church, I often forget. The result: In those instances, Elsa has no expressive language. The guilt that I have upon merely typing this is terrible. What if every time I left the house, someone put tape over my mouth? That is what I do, when I forget her PODD. Ugh. Bad mommy.

Why is PODD worth the work? Elsa's lovely assistive tech therapist at Easter Seals kindly reassures me that PODD can be clumsy and messy, and that's ok. The main key is, just use it. Integrate it into daily living, and constantly model its use. A good example, for me, is my 2-year-old (in the vid above). I don't know how many times I've asked her what color Elmo is. She almost always says purple. But I do it again and again. Because mastery comes from repetition. PODD is based on this very idea. 

How can I learn more about PODD? The best way to understand PODD is to watch it in action. Here's an awesome example on the We Speak PODD channel on YouTube. Check it out!

Reflection: What are your gifts?

New Year's Day is pretty far in the rearview mirror at this point. but further self-reflection doesn't have to wait until 2018. 

When was the last time you contemplated your unique gifts and talents? This year, I've challenged myself to identify my God-given gifts and set my sights on growing and developing them.

In Romans 12:6-8, Paul says: If your gift is serving others, serve them well. If you are a teacher, teach well. If your gift is to encourage others, be encouraging. If it is giving, give generously. If God has given you leadership ability, take the responsibility seriously. And if you have a gift for showing kindness to others, do it gladly.

Each of us has special gifts. Instead of being a total busy bee - doing everything sort of ok, but not making a real impact - I've been praying that God shows me how he wants to use me. 

I recently heard someone say, "God has put a song in each of our hearts, and our job is to sing it." I just love that. What is your song? Sing it loud! 

7 Ways to Support a Special Needs Mom

If you are eagerly looking for ways to support a friend who has a child with special needs, chances are very good that you are already doing an amazing job. Caring and acting in love is the foundation of an awesome friendship. 

If you're seeking ideas to heal a broken or strained relationship through increased understanding, bravo to you. Loving harder, when there's hurt on both sides, isn't easy. But great friends are worth it.

Here are 7 things that have the power to completely brighten your friend's day, or start moving a relationship back to solid ground:

Coffee, in any form: I think Gary Chapman - author of the famous book The 5 Love Languages - may have missed the sixth love language... Coffee. Making someone coffee. Bringing someone coffee. Inviting someone for coffee. Coffee in any way, shape or form. There's something magical about that amazing beverage and the comfort and connection it brings. The gesture, be it an invitation or delivery, says, "You are meaningful to me, and I want to spend time with you, even if but for a few minutes." Moms of kids with special needs have personal needs too. Of course they do, we all do! One of those needs is to feel like the special one, now and then. The gift of coffee delivers that feeling in a small but beautiful way.

Bring dinner: Moms of kids with special needs are proud bunch. We don't want charity or pity. But... when our child is sick, or hospitalized, or recovering from a procedure, you better believe we are struggling to keep things afloat. Getting dinner on the table on most days is hard, but on these extra stressful days, dinner feels like not just an inconvenience, but a heavy burden. If you offer to bring a meal (and thank you if you do!), a good rule of thumb is to reach out with specifics. Basically, act like dinner is coming, no matter what: "I would love to bring you dinner tonight. What are you in the mood for, and when can I drop it off?" If she doesn't respond, don't get discouraged. Text, "Is pizza at 6 p.m. cool?" This makes it hard for your friend to say, "Oh, that's ok. I'm good." Even when she's not. The generous act of providing dinner, a gift of your time and energy, will never go unnoticed.

Talk to her child: This probably sounds silly. Of course you talk to your friend's child. But if you really think about it, do you? Do you get down on his/her level (if height or accessibility require it), and say hello, and say his/her name out loud? Doing this can be harder than it seems. Perhaps the child is non-verbal. Perhaps he/she cannot make or maintain eye contact. But making a pointed effort to say hello and engage says that you see the child as a complete person. When moms get together, there can often be a lot going on in the room, or wherever you happen to meet. So your friend will probably (I hope!) give you grace in this area. But if you can remember to make a point to connect with her child, even if just for a second, it will warm her heart like nothing else.

Lend a hand: Imagine you are at a party with tons of families and kids. People are trying to get food and drinks, navigate crowds and enforce a modicum of discipline with their wild kids. Chaos. Sometimes, your friend with a child with special needs may need to run to the bathroom, or might like to grab a plate of food. But doing so would mean leaving her child, who needs constant supervision, unattended. "What can I do to help?" would be a really sweet offer, if you see her struggling. Even better? "Let me sit with Johnny, while you grab a plate." Then just sit down next to her son. Like it's a done deal. You just gave her 3 minutes of independence. She may kiss you!

Learn to help: My daughter Elsa has complex feeding needs. She eats nothing by mouth. Everything goes in via a G-tube and is administered by a large 60 ml syringe. There are seven people who know how to feed her, and those seven people will forever be angels in my eyes. It doesn't make sense for most people to know how to do it, but if you spend a lot of time with your friend and would be on her call list, if emergency strikes, she would be thrilled to know you'd step in. For instance, what if something happened to one of her other children, or to her spouse, and she had to be in the hospital for several hours? Being trained in advance on how to administer medicines and food would give your friend incredible peace of mind. This is a very above-and-beyond offer of service, but one worth keeping in mind, in case you are an above-and-beyond type of friend. And I think you probably are.

Accommodate, when you can: When events are at home, or in familiar places, access and accommodations are usually not a big deal. But sometimes when you leave the area 10 miles from your home, things can get complex. Vacations can't just be easy-peasy get-aways. They require lots of research. You have to make sure that each arm of the trip is thought through. If you are heading up organizing a trip, or special outing, and your friend and her child will be in attendance, it would mean the world if you checked in advance about accessibility or sensory factors (whatever elements create problems for her child). Your friend will likely do it, too, but if you did a little investigating, it would demonstrate that you are invested in her child's experience. That's another thing that points back to seeing him/her as a complete, dimensional person. Huge!

Don't forget special needs dads: Women and men are so different (big news flash, right?), and the supports that we need aren't quite the same. By the time children come into our worlds, sometimes we've moved addresses once or twice for work. Core friend groups can be far away. Opportunities to simply hang out and watch a game may have dwindled. But the need for friendship is still there for our men. Being a parent of a kid with special needs can be really lonely. Encourage your hubby to ask your friend's hubby to watch the Stanley Cup Finals or a soccer match. A few hours of companionship can go a long way.

Thanks for caring and engaging deeply and purposefully in your friend's life, and for thinking of trying some of these ideas. And a VERY big thank you to my precious family and friends, who inspired this post by showing me love and support in all of these ways... and more.

Everyday Magic

Seize the day, they often say, as a motto for life. As if it's something just outside of the norm. Something that we must aspire to. That seizing the day is something not entirely in our human nature.

As a mom of a child with special needs - a rare chromosome disorder called Wolf-Hirschhorn Syndrome - I can tell ya: From my point of view, there's nothing to do but seize the day.

My daughter Elsa, age 5, is on her own path. At this point, we don't know exactly what all she will do, or what she will accomplish. Right now, to summarize her abilities, we often define her by what she isn't doing (walking, talking, eating), instead of what she is doing (loving, shining, inspiring).

Every day, I do everything in my power to move her forward. Sometimes, my powers are pretty weak. My other small kiddos require a lot of TLC too. Even on my very strongest days, our family accomplishments probably don't add up to much, to the outside eye. 

But as we plug along - driving across the county for therapy, lugging her wheelchair in and out of the car, scheduling and rescheduling appointments, ordering medical supplies - in every task there is beauty. And I mean this sincerely. There is beauty because there is Elsa. And she was created by God. She is just as he designed her to be, and we are going to give her every opportunity to succeed and maximize her potential.

Magic is here and there and everywhere, in our family life. When I was younger, magic was that thing that lives and breathes in the streets of New York. The melody of a perfect melancholy song. A first kiss. A life-giving embrace. 

Today, my magic is in my daughters, and in the beauty and miracle of parenthood. And this blog will recount our small-but-big moments, to build bridges of understanding and recognize God's work in us all. Thanks for reading!